I'm supposed to be finding a job but..... there's a war in Afghanistan.

I'm in Colorado, visiting my boyfriend who is stationed at Fort Carson. I'm sitting on his bed writing this while he sits on the floor playing his beloved video games. I never will understand how someone in the Army can still be so obsessed with playing games like Call of Duty and Battlefield Bad Company. It's like...  he lives in this fantasy world that's navigated by a controller but really..... this "fantasy" world is somewhat a reality to him. I wonder how that must feel... killing people effortlessly and nonchalantly on a screen knowing that one day he might be in some similar situation that is actually real and physical. I don't care that he plays video games.... it doesn't really bother me at all actually.... but DAMN you'd think he would want to play something other than ARMY games! Shit, he plays that game everyday - it's his job. Whatever. We all have our different ideas of fun, right?

Anyways, I'm a little stressed out because I'm really supposed to be back in California finding a JOB because my rent is up in June and my parents are threatening me to find a job or else they're going to make me move back home. YAAAAA RIGHT! Don't get me wrong, I love my home back in Texas. I love EVERYTHING about HOME: I love my parents, I love my animals, I love my sisters that live in Dallas, I love my friends in Dallas, I love my BED and home-cooked meals... but I've only lived in CA for 6 months and I'm just NOT ready to go back home. I feel like I JUST got there! I'm just now getting familiar with everything... getting used to the California lifestyle and the shitty traffic that yes.... might drive me crazy one day, but NOT YET.  The thing that is holding me back from finding a job right now is my boyfriend, my love, my Mauricio. He leaves for Afghanistan in July and it is important to both of us that we spend time together. He told me that he has this weird feeling that he won't be coming back.... I know that he's not just saying that to get sympathy because Mauricio won't accept sympathy from anyone.. he's too tough and brave. He just really has this weird feeling, I guess. And of course... I think he'll make it home safely because A) I have to stay positive but B)  hes so strong and good at what he does.... I feel like he has a whole life ahead of him. 22 years down, and at least 78 to go =) But still, I can't take that weird feeling lightly... I have to remember that some of the strongest soldiers do die... sometimes its not up to strength or skills. Sometimes bad timing, or even bad luck is to blame for a soldiers life. Mostly... BAD PEOPLE are the ones to blame. (Tali-BAD) So my point is.... wonder if something did happen to him.. and I had to look back and say... "damn, I was looking for a lousy job while I should have been spending time with him in his last few moths.. Should have been there for him."   Jobs will always be out there. Mauricio won't.  My parents remind me that he might not be the person I spend the rest of my life with and so therefore I shouldn't put my life on somewhat of a hold to be with him when I really should be looking for a job in order to keep my life going in California. But honestly... I think that's bullshit! I mean I guess I get where they're coming from, but I live for the moment. Always have. And right now, in this moment, I'm in love. And so I need to follow through with the commitment I've made to this beautiful heroic man.  I'll get a job, give me some slack.

  "...We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us." 

- B u k o w s k i